Tuesday, July 17, 2018

I have it, and you might too!

After months of not wanting to talk about it, and making believe everything is okay I decided it was time, to let you guys into a very personal part of my life. I was scared to do this, because I didn’t want to deal with the negative or rude comments I might get. But if I’m struggling with it, then there has got to be someone else out there struggling just as I am, and I thought if I speak up on it, then it might give others the courage to as well. Writing is my passion, and I love all that comes with it. But most importantly I love that it gives me the platform to help others that might be going through the same exact life changes as I am. Sure. Sponsored post are cool, cus a girls gotta pay bills, and free awesome products are a fantastic plus to this blog hustle. But the friendships and connections this blogging community has given me is by far the biggest plus to this job. You guys trust me so much, and that’s why I need to get real raw about things, because I owe it to all my readers that have been here since the beginning. My life was turned upside down by three letters, HPV. I have HPV. Who knows how long I have had it, because I showed absolutely no signs of it, and nothing at all seemed different. When I was diagnosed with HPV though, I felt very unlike myself. I felt upset with myself, dirty, vulnerable, and un worthy. I was also worried, about all that can possibly go wrong from here on out. My mind was just spiraling with thoughts about who exactly gave me it, to what if it’s too late and now my chances of conceiving are at zero because of it. Mind you I have been saying for four years now that I no longer wanted to have more children. But this diagnosis brung out so many fears in me that I had no idea I was carrying deep in my soul. Ever since my diagnosis I have not been able to wake up and not let it be the first thought in my mind, or the last thought on my mind as well before going to bed. It has taken over in full, to where everything I do or eat I am doing with a purpose because I am reminded of what I have. I have to eat healthy because your immune can fight it off, I have to take folic acid and other vitamins/probiotics so that it can fight off the virus naturally. I felt like it was so unfair. I have always been very monogamous, and was not the kind of girl that slept around or had flings, so this feeling of unworthy ness really sucked. I didn't understand how I got it, and why I would get it now. To hear the word cancer, is terrifying. Its probably the worst word you could ever hear a doctor say to you. He told me how I had pre cancerous cells that need to be taken care of so they don't turn into anything worse. I was in the mood for nothing, not work, not writing, no socializing, and I was giving my partner the cold shoulder. I felt unattractive, and I just wanted to find a quiet place to cry, so thats what I did for weeks on in when I would get in the bath. 

It has been about two months since, and I feel a bit more reassured thanks to church, and great friends who I spoke to about it. 79 million Americans are currently infected with HPV, about 14 million people become newly infected each year. The numbers are just insane, I could not believe it when I read those numbers... but it also helped reassure me that I am not in this alone, and many monogamous people do get it as well. There is still a lot I want to know, and learn about when it comes to HPV, and I know this is just the beginning, and many more emotions will come through out this process but I will pour all my trust in God, and stay positive through out this trial in my life. I just felt it was necessary to share this part of my life with you guys to not only help others who are silently struggling with the same thing, but also to shed light on just how easy it is to get HPV, and you might just have it yourself without even knowing it. 

Though I do not believe the shot is the right way of prevention, I do recommend seeing a doctor to make sure you show no signs of HPV, and talk to them about all your options at preventing it. I will be sharing on my blog in the next months all that I have been doing different, and things I have been using since my diagnosis. I want to thank everyone who I have spoken to about this, and has given me so much love and support. Its definitely a scary time and I am grateful for all the amazing souls that listened without judgement. I hope this opened up the conversation for HPV awareness and helped someone out there feel less alone.

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